Monday, April 18, 2016
I Simple Miss You
I spend my days constantly thinking about what it would have been like if I only mingled with you differently. Fate is always decided by first impressions. I throw myself in front of you and I’m forced to cast an image that reflects your personality. When I’m trying to impress you, I often find my speech focusing on your opinions rather than mine. I have to change my hand motions, hair style, body coverage (clothing), tone of voice, and, most importantly, what my eyes communicate when I sit down with you to chat. But no matter what I did it seemed that you were always bored with me. Things didn’t set right between us until the day I had to leave you behind. That was months ago… Once only separated by a hill, now includes the cascades, deserts, rivers, valleys, and the Rockies. To get to where you are I used to only have to drive about fifteen minutes to find you. Now, in order to see you, I have to fly half way across the country just to feel the comfort of your presence, and to listen to your soothing words that can put me at ease. So instead of seeing the real you, I result to my imagination. One time I sat down to eat with my friends. We held conversation within the room as we ate, and I occasionally gazed out the window. All of a sudden, my eyes caught an image of a girl who, for a split second, I thought was you. I stared, and I stared, and I stared, and I never stopped looking because you weren’t looking back at me. Your hair was tied up in the back, and you had on a slim hoodie jacket that fit you perfectly, which also matched your jeans. The image was so familiar, so provoking. I almost went out to say hello. I shook my head back and forth, and told myself that it wasn’t you. I even told my friends that the girl outside looked exactly like you. All they could do was laugh and tell me that I was weird. But when I miss you so much, and when it’s been months since the last time I saw you, I knew that this was the only closeness that I would get to you. As long as I believed that this girl was you, I could satisfy my nothingness, and put it to rest for a little while longer. You never turned to look up at me from down below while I ate, but I did see your face on that girl; however, after staring at her for so long I must have just plastered you onto her, just so that I could get a look for a little bit longer. Your actions were even the same as I remember. You were being social with your girlfriends, and giving hugs as you said goodbye. Then, you turned towards the entrance of a nearby building. In my head I waved goodbye to you, hoping that you would turn to look up at me through the window. I never saw your face directly, but I watched as you fumbled with the key card lock, as if you were waiting for someone to let you in. I stared wide eyed at you, getting every glimpse of you that I could before you entered the door. When, finally, someone opened the door for you, you thanked them and walked in. I watched you disappear through the door, and I cursed under my breath because I could have been the one to greet you at that building. Upon your vacancy from my sight, I cried.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Orange
Halloween pumpkins and leaves change in the fall,
A color that is vibrant and known to us all,
Easily noticed like a cliche in a original piece,
Basketball,monarch, or inside of a peach,
They all have this each in common,
And to rhyme with this is very uncommon,
Its orange.
Its not the color of a four-inch door hinge,
Its orange.
Its a color that you can easily spot in storage
A fruit, girls and boys rarely have hair this color,
Although orange-ish red was the color of my brother's head,
But the poem's title isn't "red" though, sorry if you misread,
There's already a song by Taylor Swift about Red,
but I like orange instead, it's color of my sheets on my bed,
Its the color of a pencil but not the lead,
It's orange
Not the color of porridge or Goldilocks and the Three Bears,
But bear with me, George, oh wait I forgot your name,
I need a wrench to screw my head back on straight,
Straight like my preferences, but never discriminate,
Catch my references? Cheesy maybe but don't incriminate
It's orange.
The color of sporange on certain leaves.
Or the sun, sometimes the clouds, autumn trees,
Like some Lamborghini's, can you hand me the keys?
Or Cheetos, Sunkist, or traffic cones,
Candy corn, Tangerines, and Marigolds.
Orange.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Barbed Wire Girl
You are within arms reach,
But your guarded from each word I preach,
Fences seperate,
Your love keeps hesistating,
Yet I keep demonstrating,
And its devastating,
Yet I keep trying to grasp it,
Holding you hand and clasp them,
Like they were a precious gem,
Yet all you do is condemn,
A.M. to P.M.
You are relentless
So I'm feeling the emptiness,
I can touch the division,
Yet I watch you like a television,
You are the best thing in my line of vision,
My best and my worst decision,
But you are worth the cuts and scrapes,
Because it's your love I can't escape,
I can be your superman I just need a cape,
Be my Lois Lane, My barbed wire girl,
My kryponite, My world,
The love I fight for,
My constant war,
The battle scars are for you,
Because when I was with you,
I flew.
But your guarded from each word I preach,
Fences seperate,
Your love keeps hesistating,
Yet I keep demonstrating,
And its devastating,
Yet I keep trying to grasp it,
Holding you hand and clasp them,
Like they were a precious gem,
Yet all you do is condemn,
A.M. to P.M.
You are relentless
So I'm feeling the emptiness,
I can touch the division,
Yet I watch you like a television,
You are the best thing in my line of vision,
My best and my worst decision,
But you are worth the cuts and scrapes,
Because it's your love I can't escape,
I can be your superman I just need a cape,
Be my Lois Lane, My barbed wire girl,
My kryponite, My world,
The love I fight for,
My constant war,
The battle scars are for you,
Because when I was with you,
I flew.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Admiring Windows
Twinkling like a hand full of precious gems,
Each vivid crystal beautiful to the corners of them,
Your voice is an ambiance like an applauding audience,
Faith growing a stem that won’t bend or break,
Not plastic or fake,
But a little give and a little take,
But the future makes me nervous,
‘Cause I want your admiring windows to look at me when I open mine,
And be the last thing I see when I shut mine,
It’s crazy that our love lets off such a shine,
That I could just drop the world on a dime,
Shine as bright as a beach cloudless sky for you,
As I wish on every shooting star that our future will be too,
So I continue to pour my heart in every line,
And try to keep you mine and only mine,
‘Cause you are my truth when I’m blind,
Also a sign when I’m in a bind,
As well as my lifeline when it rains and pours,
Doors shut on my finger,
And floors give out, my fears linger.
You surprise me everyday,
To the point I don’t know what to say,
But the words are just words, pliable as clay,
Heart is something I lost,
Tossed in a sea and gone,
To the point I couldn’t sing a song,
Then you came along,
And you turn the wrong right,
Brought me sight,
As well as a light,
So I’ll end this with a very simply,
Not with big words or similes,
I just know that whether mountain or valley,
I love you no matter what my Allie,
To the deepest galley of my heart,
From the start to finale,
You are who I want to be with,
I’ve made my heart up,
So is my mind, I’ve opened my doors,
So be mine and I’ll be yours.
Each vivid crystal beautiful to the corners of them,
Your voice is an ambiance like an applauding audience,
Faith growing a stem that won’t bend or break,
Not plastic or fake,
But a little give and a little take,
But the future makes me nervous,
‘Cause I want your admiring windows to look at me when I open mine,
And be the last thing I see when I shut mine,
It’s crazy that our love lets off such a shine,
That I could just drop the world on a dime,
Shine as bright as a beach cloudless sky for you,
As I wish on every shooting star that our future will be too,
So I continue to pour my heart in every line,
And try to keep you mine and only mine,
‘Cause you are my truth when I’m blind,
Also a sign when I’m in a bind,
As well as my lifeline when it rains and pours,
Doors shut on my finger,
And floors give out, my fears linger.
You surprise me everyday,
To the point I don’t know what to say,
But the words are just words, pliable as clay,
Heart is something I lost,
Tossed in a sea and gone,
To the point I couldn’t sing a song,
Then you came along,
And you turn the wrong right,
Brought me sight,
As well as a light,
So I’ll end this with a very simply,
Not with big words or similes,
I just know that whether mountain or valley,
I love you no matter what my Allie,
To the deepest galley of my heart,
From the start to finale,
You are who I want to be with,
I’ve made my heart up,
So is my mind, I’ve opened my doors,
So be mine and I’ll be yours.
Friday, September 10, 2010
6 Years in Hell
Boom! The sound of the .50 Caliber jolts as Jakob rose from a pool of sweat that seeped into the mattress lifting himself up with his bulky arms. Hands were soaking in the swamp mattress and it felt like he has been crying out of every pore of his body all night. Salt dwells in his mouth and throat and he exits his self-made watery grave and heads towards the mirror in his bedroom in his peripheral vision. Once he planted his arms against the dresser he gazed into his eyes with silence, those flustered black eyes behind his sweat beaded face staring back at him. Two dog tags chimed together and it was the only sound present except for the whirling fan behind him. They read: “Jakob Stevens, 6'3”, 204 lbs, Platoon 20D, Navy Seals.”
The sound of the shower echoes down the hall and caught his attention and his black eyes built a fire that you could hear in your heart just by looking into those dark moons. Rada-tat-tat-tat... Drops of water sounded like AK-47's parading in a loud applause. He drops to the ground in fear for his life and he sees the enemies figure right there as he crawled swiftly through the desert sand. They came so close to hitting him and stealing away the only thing worth coming home for, Julia. “My sweet Julia” he thought as he grabbed the magnum in his holster strapped to his leg. He quickly realized he was out of bullets so he had to make do with what he had and what he did have was the element of surprise. Blood started pumping from his heart so hard he could hear it in his veins as he closed in on the target. Jakob took the butt of the magnum in his hand and hit the terrorist hard behind the head and a blow to the face was delivered as it all faded out to his wife Julia.
“WHAT THE HELL HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU JAKE?!” Julia demands.
“I don't know...groan... what happened?”
“YOU ALMOST KILLED ME WITH MY HAIR DRYER!! THAT'S WHAT! HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THAT?! WHAT THE HELL?!”
“I was in Iraq, they were everywhere!” Jake says with tears water-falling down his face and a distraught face grew across his blank expression.
“No you weren't! You were here and almost electrocuted me!!”
Jake trying to defend himself because he didn't know exactly what happened to him exclaimed:
“No I didn't!”
“Yes you did Jake, look I'm bleeding because you wacked me over the head trying to knock me out! You are scaring me!!” Tears now fall from her face revealing her wound as she remembers the time he said he'd never hurt her.
“I'm sorry, I never meant to do that. You know I'd never do that... I never meant to do that... You know I'd never do that...” He sobbed like a mad man.
“You just did!” She interrupted.
“And you need help! Otherwise I'm leaving! I mean, Crap! Its your first day back and you are now going off the deep end! Find help”
“I will,” Jakob said shattered and torn. “I will.”
=~=
Iris Williamson was the counselors name and ex-military troops were her game, actually it was her profession. Jakob realized that he needed help and he needed the best because he wants to put an end to all of it, Julia's face is still haunting him in the back of his mind with her saddened expression in their bathroom and he would pay any price to put it away. Money can't buy anything that brought happiness to him like Julia does and he knew this keenly like how to take apart and put back together his M16. He could do it blind folded and still do better than anyone in his platoon. But he had blood on his hands, a lot of blood that didn't sit well with him and is hard to unlearn.
“Hello Jake, I'm Iris nice to finally get to meet with you in person.” She said with a small side grin that stretched from the corner of her lip and two centimeters diagonally.
“Hey Iris, nice to meet you too.”
“Well, are you ready to get started?” Iris said quickly glancing down at her Rolex watch that reflected the sun rays through the window. “I want you to give me the rundown of your experience as a Navy Seal. Make sure you give me details and don't leave anything out, this is essential to you moving forward in life.”
“Alright, I'll start from the beginning, I was nineteen when I enlisted with the Navy Seals. I ran ten miles every other day and benched 450, my recruiter thought I was an ox (he said it often, as well as many others who knew me) and with my ASVAB scores I was smart enough to be a elite soldier. When I was sworn into the Navy, my girlfriend (now wife) Julia showed fear and anxiety as I signed those papers, it was written all over her face.”
Iris looked up at Jake then back at the paper “Hmmm...” She muttered.
Jake continued. “My oath was then sworn to her, that I'd come back to her, no matter what, I'd find a way. Nothing can keep me from her.” His eyes went misty with passion as well as his tone.
“But you didn't know if you would. Nothings for sure when you sign those papers for your Country. So you made a promise that she probably half bought?”
“Well, if she half bought it I don't think she would have came this far with me. Plus, I did return, sure I got a knife wound but no bullets.” He kind of smiled a forced smile.
“Okay, I see.” Her eyes jumped back to the page and pen which began to dance in her hand across the page. She pushed up her glasses with her index finger and motioned to continue.
“Boot camp shaped me into being proficient and confident on and off the battlefield. I also gained a lot of brothers who got tattoos with me, I was one of the few that never smoked or drank. I had Julia on my heart and I was coming home to her and down time was not a option that ever crossed my mind. Just home in my girls arms. My best friend to this day (aside from my Julia) is Bob Adkins, he took a bullet which he prides himself with and gladly tells the story to anyone he meets.”
“You said proficient on and off the battlefield?” Iris observed.
“Yeah I am. See, I have the ability to be the hardest worker because I've seen the eyes of war and even worse, death. I have experienced stuff that make this world feel like a playground of buildings. Do you run?”
“Yeah I do. But I'm supposed to be the one asking the questions.”
“I know and I'm the one who is paying you.” He threw back.
“So if you ran a marathon, a mile would feel literally like a walk in the park? Correct?” Jake asked.
“Yeah?”
“So I've ran that marathon, I've won the medal of honor and now everything in this life feels easy in comparison.”
“Wow! Congratulations! How did you achieve that?”
“A lot of blood, sweat and tears. I killed thirty Iraqi terrorists with limited ammunition single-handed, rescued five POWs in a reconnaissance mission to locate the enemy, and command our team over two-way radio to close in and destroy. We captured their base and that day was a victorious day for America.”
“That's amazing! How about you go into depth more about this victorious day because I think I might have something I can work with now.” Her face lit up and her tone almost sounded excited (she definitely was passionate about what she did.)
“Okay, well, it was September 23rd, 2004; and I was in the second year of my contract. The day was hot like high 80s or probably more like low 90s but in our uniforms it was well over that. But after the second year of that you get used to it. I wrote Julia early at hour 1600 to confirm that I am still hers and always hers. Today stood out to me because I decided I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Julia and maybe that's what got me going that day. I was ranked a sergeant at a E-5 pay rate, I advanced quickly because of how fast I caught on to the “Navy Seal program” and I worked my butt off. Anyway, my platoon and I got into a AC-130 plane and prepared to paratroop into hostile grounds and then move to the American base five clicks southwest. Location is classified and unnecessary. I screamed as the back hatch opened 'Today others aren't going to do what we are going to do! And I'm proud to lead a group of brothers like you, and lets show them all what we trained for all this time, lets show them why the flag is red! Lets shoot to kill!' Blood boiled in my veins and I was pumped as I jumped first and pulled the first pin which failed and then I suddenly pulled the safety secondary pin which released the 'chute in a instant. An AK-47 from somewhere below grazed my 'chute and I started to doubt that I was going to live but then a tree from below told me different. My M16 was at my side and I lifted it up as a reflex and shot back where I thought I heard the firing come from, there was no shots from that direction. I might of hit em. I moved quicker downward as my parachute catches to a big branch which felt at first that I broke something with the hard jerk through my body but as I found I was still alive I quickly grabbed my knife at my side and cut the strings and fell twenty feet to the ground on my feet. I told you I don't smoke but at that moment in celebration I drew my single cigar and lit it up with my zippo lighter. And my brothers came down from the sky one at a time, some got shot from flank cannons or .50 caliber machine guns, and I watched helplessly like a duck watching its babies cross the street. Most of them made it thought but three brothers were lost in the decent. Drake “Double D” Dean, Jimmy “Slimmy” Himmerman, and Nicolas “Fireball” Johnson, killed, murdered. It was a tragedy for all of us but there is nothing we could do but keep pushing forward five clicks southwest there were about nine of us in all but we were the reinforcements for the team that has been pinned down at the American base. And there was one hostile that was wandering the area, probably saw the paratroopers or heard the AC-130. Then I thought of Drake, Jimmy, and Nicolas as I saw that man right there and I felt like I was on fire as I ran towards the guy with silent feet and my team prone behind me. The guy was blindsided by my knife and I plunged it into the back of his neck and up into his brain, he was dead but I twisted the knife clockwise in hatred. I pulled it out and wiped it off on his uniform.”
“Was this the first time you killed someone?” Iris asked kind of disturbed and grossed out.
“No, I lost count after my twentieth.” He said pridefully. “My first was on my first assignment a couple weeks after boot camp. It was a head shot with my M16 and I felt horrible as I slowly pulled the trigger. My conscious was screaming 'No! Don't do it!' but then I thought of Julia and I thought that if I killed enough and not be killed myself I'd earn the prize of my life—Julia.”
“We're you desensitized after killing so much? Did it come easier after two years?” Iris asked.
“Well, when you first watch the news and hear about a boy who shoots up his school and then commits suicide after killing ten or so people. It makes you tear up and you wonder how this could happen and you want to make things right but you can't, its already done and you feel helpless and depressed. But then you hear it happen again and by the fiftieth time it doesn't bother you as much, then by the hundredth time you are cold as ice.”
“True, I know I'm guilty as charged. We all are. I remember when Rwanda was overlooked and no action was done because rarely anyone actually did anything aside from seeing what was on television then going back to their steak and mash potatoes.” Iris said with a very concerned tone this time, a righteous anger is there.
“Yeah, unfortunately. And I am guilty as charged killing a large number of fathers and sons.” Jakob's head lowered as he sat in the leather chair.
“But it was your job and you wanted to protect your Country from another 9/11 event and I don't think that is wrong.” She said this as she wrote some more on the paper in front of her on that enormous oak desk that she rested her arms on.
Iris had a intelligence about her that sparked with every stroke of the pen and it had revealed to Jake in the light of passion that shined through her eyes. She was a petite, small lady who wore stilettos around and wasn't at all the least bit ungraceful. She was about early 40s, he guessed, and seemed beyond her years. Pweew! She sneezed a mousy sneeze that was quiet and she did the arm movement that made it look like she was going to turn into a werewolf to land the spray into the crease of her elbow.
“She was going to get this figured out.” Jake thought to himself. If she couldn't no one could, she was the best detective for this case, best doctor for this surgery.
Iris peered her head up with her glasses perched on the end of her nose and glanced at her Rolex watch again and said: “Alright, Mr. Stevens its been a pleasure but I really must let you go. I have another appointment in five minutes and I will see you next week at the same time, okay?”
“Yeah, sounds good.”
“In the meantime, keep a journal and keep your memories fresh because I want to hear the rest of your story. Also, try stay away from violent images and movies as well as sleeping in another room in the house so you don't have anything happen again. Call me if you need some help over the phone, I'll be cracking the case.” She smiled a sincere smile as she opened the door for Jake on his way out.
“Will do.” Jakob said smiling back (and kind of laughing on the inside about the cracking the case bit) as he exited her office.
A black man walked in with some army pants on and a missing ear on the right side and Iris welcomed him in. Jake departed out to the parking lot through the automatic doors past the waiting room. He had to drive an hour and costs him an arm and a leg to meet Iris but he would travel to the ends of the Earth for an answer to “how to become a civilian again?” He opens the door to his 1997 Black Dodge Ram 2500 with a six inch lift and huge swamper tires, this was he dream ride ever since he was nineteen and after he got married to Julia, he got rid his crappy beat up 1988 Maroon Ford Ranger and upgraded. Oh, how he remembers turning the key for the first time it fired up like in his dreams and that v-8 engine roared like a king lion would to fend off predators from the herd which brought a huge grin across his eager face. It was a beast and he still gets jittery from turning the ignition key and sitting high in his truck as if it were a throne and the road was his kingdom.
He put it in reverse and backed up as a lady in a little green Geo Metro looked up at his monster truck waiting for his spot. Jake's Navy SEALs bumper sticker shined in the light off the truck as he pulled away and his spot was claimed. He turned on his blinker left and popped in a Metallica, Master of Puppets album, the guitars wailed and hummed as Jakob popped a cigar into his mouth and lit it up with his Navy SEAL's zippo and let a half smile peer as the cigar butt lit up with a breath. The smoke was blowing in the wind as he passed cars one by one, he felt good for finally getting some of the stuff he did out and actually telling someone. But Julia's face haunted him still, like trees passing by on his far sides, they were the trees that look like they could grab you and eat you.
=~=
Julia's head still ached but most of all her feelings were hurt and she went to seek help but instead of going to a counselor she went to the next best thing, her friends. She planned a morning where she would explain how she felt over Starbuck's coffee to a few of her closest friends that she had kept close through college. There was Karen, Mari, and Tina they were her vents, her ears, her shoulders when she felt like giving into her fears and emotions. Julia wore a beanie to hide her secret and only share with people who were close, she had learned from her own past mistakes. Although a picture is worth a thousand words Julia's face told more than one hundred thousand, but she tried in vain to keep it all together and the slipping showed through the windshield of her eyes and the depressed bags under her eye lids that drooped on her beautiful face. She didn't need to wear makeup, she was a angel that made makeup look out of style because her skin was already as vibrant without it. She made all the woman who saw her envy but at this point in life she felt like she would trade it all to be any of them.
All through high school and college she was the girl of girls, the one the boys would walk around campus doing a handstand all day for. She had bleach blonde hair and eyes that were icy blue, she was like the Hollywood Jessicas all combined, Biel, Alba, and Simpson. She would often get whistles from guys but she ignored their gestures without it even phasing her, she was loyal to Jake like he was loyal to her for the three years they have been married and before that. So when Julia said she was going to leave it broke a string inside and now she regretted she got so angry the more she thought about it.
“He wasn't all there, it was almost like he sleep walked but his eyes were open and he was awake.” Julia thought as she sat in the cold seat next to the window with three friends facing her with coffee in their hands like Eskimos around a campfire, it was cold outside but Julia hadn't noticed because her heart was in a cold mood and they coped.
“Hello Julia.” Karen, Mari and Tina echoed as they took turns giving her a hug that she desperately needed.
“Hi you guys.” And she received them with open arms and squeezed like a lifeline rope.
“So why did you call us here Jewels?” Tina asked smiling.
“Are you okay?” Karen added like a mother after a kid scrapped their leg and comes to them for comfort.
“No, no I'm not. My husband, Jakob hit me with my hair dryer.” Julia exclaimed with sadness filling her words. She took off the beanie for proof revealing a noticeable scab but trying to hide it from anyone other than her friends with her left hand.
“Oh my gosh!” Mari replied. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah, he could have killed me too if it got wet in the shower. It was plugged into the wall, like I left it. It was almost like he was sleep walking but his eyes were awake and then I slapped him to have him wake up and to defend myself. ”
“What happened?” Karen asked concerned for Julia.
“He then woke up or something. It snapped him out of it and he said he was in Iraq and there were a bunch of them. I don't fully understand it.”
“I think he has lost it!” Mari said and Karen nodded with her.
“I don't think so. Because if he did lose it he would've kept going after her, its kinda like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing going on in his brain.” Tina observed.
“But this is real! And real things like this require real action!” Karen snapped at Tina.
“You know Jakob more than any of us Jewels. Why do you think he would do that? You think the Navy SEALs messed something upstairs?”
“Maybe, I mean, he tossed and turned all night kicking his feet and sweating a lot. I don't see any other reason why he'd go off the deep end and do that. I honestly don't believe he'd do anything to hurt me, but if he thought he was in Iraq he would kill anyone who wasn't a brother.”
“Anyone who wasn't on his side?” Tina asked in curiosity.
“Yeah which means I could have been viewed as a terrorist in his eyes and he just was delusional from being back in the real world for the first day.” Julia thought out loud.
“He could have. Or maybe he was just making it up.” Karen said cynically.
“Karen! Why would he do that? Just randomly the day when he gets back? Julia did he show any signs of being violent or mean towards you in any way since he's been back besides the incident last week?” Tina said angrily.
“No. He has always been nice towards me and the day he came back and I returned from teaching around 4:00pm he decorated the porch of our house with a ton of my favorite flowers. He's always been tender towards me, never violent until that night.”
“See! Told youuuu!” Tina said proudly.
“Gals, its not 'bout provin' each other wrong and makin' ourselves look betta its about Jewels right now. We gotta give 'er some encouragemen' and lift 'er up.”
The sound of the shower echoes down the hall and caught his attention and his black eyes built a fire that you could hear in your heart just by looking into those dark moons. Rada-tat-tat-tat... Drops of water sounded like AK-47's parading in a loud applause. He drops to the ground in fear for his life and he sees the enemies figure right there as he crawled swiftly through the desert sand. They came so close to hitting him and stealing away the only thing worth coming home for, Julia. “My sweet Julia” he thought as he grabbed the magnum in his holster strapped to his leg. He quickly realized he was out of bullets so he had to make do with what he had and what he did have was the element of surprise. Blood started pumping from his heart so hard he could hear it in his veins as he closed in on the target. Jakob took the butt of the magnum in his hand and hit the terrorist hard behind the head and a blow to the face was delivered as it all faded out to his wife Julia.
“WHAT THE HELL HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU JAKE?!” Julia demands.
“I don't know...groan... what happened?”
“YOU ALMOST KILLED ME WITH MY HAIR DRYER!! THAT'S WHAT! HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THAT?! WHAT THE HELL?!”
“I was in Iraq, they were everywhere!” Jake says with tears water-falling down his face and a distraught face grew across his blank expression.
“No you weren't! You were here and almost electrocuted me!!”
Jake trying to defend himself because he didn't know exactly what happened to him exclaimed:
“No I didn't!”
“Yes you did Jake, look I'm bleeding because you wacked me over the head trying to knock me out! You are scaring me!!” Tears now fall from her face revealing her wound as she remembers the time he said he'd never hurt her.
“I'm sorry, I never meant to do that. You know I'd never do that... I never meant to do that... You know I'd never do that...” He sobbed like a mad man.
“You just did!” She interrupted.
“And you need help! Otherwise I'm leaving! I mean, Crap! Its your first day back and you are now going off the deep end! Find help”
“I will,” Jakob said shattered and torn. “I will.”
=~=
Iris Williamson was the counselors name and ex-military troops were her game, actually it was her profession. Jakob realized that he needed help and he needed the best because he wants to put an end to all of it, Julia's face is still haunting him in the back of his mind with her saddened expression in their bathroom and he would pay any price to put it away. Money can't buy anything that brought happiness to him like Julia does and he knew this keenly like how to take apart and put back together his M16. He could do it blind folded and still do better than anyone in his platoon. But he had blood on his hands, a lot of blood that didn't sit well with him and is hard to unlearn.
“Hello Jake, I'm Iris nice to finally get to meet with you in person.” She said with a small side grin that stretched from the corner of her lip and two centimeters diagonally.
“Hey Iris, nice to meet you too.”
“Well, are you ready to get started?” Iris said quickly glancing down at her Rolex watch that reflected the sun rays through the window. “I want you to give me the rundown of your experience as a Navy Seal. Make sure you give me details and don't leave anything out, this is essential to you moving forward in life.”
“Alright, I'll start from the beginning, I was nineteen when I enlisted with the Navy Seals. I ran ten miles every other day and benched 450, my recruiter thought I was an ox (he said it often, as well as many others who knew me) and with my ASVAB scores I was smart enough to be a elite soldier. When I was sworn into the Navy, my girlfriend (now wife) Julia showed fear and anxiety as I signed those papers, it was written all over her face.”
Iris looked up at Jake then back at the paper “Hmmm...” She muttered.
Jake continued. “My oath was then sworn to her, that I'd come back to her, no matter what, I'd find a way. Nothing can keep me from her.” His eyes went misty with passion as well as his tone.
“But you didn't know if you would. Nothings for sure when you sign those papers for your Country. So you made a promise that she probably half bought?”
“Well, if she half bought it I don't think she would have came this far with me. Plus, I did return, sure I got a knife wound but no bullets.” He kind of smiled a forced smile.
“Okay, I see.” Her eyes jumped back to the page and pen which began to dance in her hand across the page. She pushed up her glasses with her index finger and motioned to continue.
“Boot camp shaped me into being proficient and confident on and off the battlefield. I also gained a lot of brothers who got tattoos with me, I was one of the few that never smoked or drank. I had Julia on my heart and I was coming home to her and down time was not a option that ever crossed my mind. Just home in my girls arms. My best friend to this day (aside from my Julia) is Bob Adkins, he took a bullet which he prides himself with and gladly tells the story to anyone he meets.”
“You said proficient on and off the battlefield?” Iris observed.
“Yeah I am. See, I have the ability to be the hardest worker because I've seen the eyes of war and even worse, death. I have experienced stuff that make this world feel like a playground of buildings. Do you run?”
“Yeah I do. But I'm supposed to be the one asking the questions.”
“I know and I'm the one who is paying you.” He threw back.
“So if you ran a marathon, a mile would feel literally like a walk in the park? Correct?” Jake asked.
“Yeah?”
“So I've ran that marathon, I've won the medal of honor and now everything in this life feels easy in comparison.”
“Wow! Congratulations! How did you achieve that?”
“A lot of blood, sweat and tears. I killed thirty Iraqi terrorists with limited ammunition single-handed, rescued five POWs in a reconnaissance mission to locate the enemy, and command our team over two-way radio to close in and destroy. We captured their base and that day was a victorious day for America.”
“That's amazing! How about you go into depth more about this victorious day because I think I might have something I can work with now.” Her face lit up and her tone almost sounded excited (she definitely was passionate about what she did.)
“Okay, well, it was September 23rd, 2004; and I was in the second year of my contract. The day was hot like high 80s or probably more like low 90s but in our uniforms it was well over that. But after the second year of that you get used to it. I wrote Julia early at hour 1600 to confirm that I am still hers and always hers. Today stood out to me because I decided I wanted to spend the rest of my life with Julia and maybe that's what got me going that day. I was ranked a sergeant at a E-5 pay rate, I advanced quickly because of how fast I caught on to the “Navy Seal program” and I worked my butt off. Anyway, my platoon and I got into a AC-130 plane and prepared to paratroop into hostile grounds and then move to the American base five clicks southwest. Location is classified and unnecessary. I screamed as the back hatch opened 'Today others aren't going to do what we are going to do! And I'm proud to lead a group of brothers like you, and lets show them all what we trained for all this time, lets show them why the flag is red! Lets shoot to kill!' Blood boiled in my veins and I was pumped as I jumped first and pulled the first pin which failed and then I suddenly pulled the safety secondary pin which released the 'chute in a instant. An AK-47 from somewhere below grazed my 'chute and I started to doubt that I was going to live but then a tree from below told me different. My M16 was at my side and I lifted it up as a reflex and shot back where I thought I heard the firing come from, there was no shots from that direction. I might of hit em. I moved quicker downward as my parachute catches to a big branch which felt at first that I broke something with the hard jerk through my body but as I found I was still alive I quickly grabbed my knife at my side and cut the strings and fell twenty feet to the ground on my feet. I told you I don't smoke but at that moment in celebration I drew my single cigar and lit it up with my zippo lighter. And my brothers came down from the sky one at a time, some got shot from flank cannons or .50 caliber machine guns, and I watched helplessly like a duck watching its babies cross the street. Most of them made it thought but three brothers were lost in the decent. Drake “Double D” Dean, Jimmy “Slimmy” Himmerman, and Nicolas “Fireball” Johnson, killed, murdered. It was a tragedy for all of us but there is nothing we could do but keep pushing forward five clicks southwest there were about nine of us in all but we were the reinforcements for the team that has been pinned down at the American base. And there was one hostile that was wandering the area, probably saw the paratroopers or heard the AC-130. Then I thought of Drake, Jimmy, and Nicolas as I saw that man right there and I felt like I was on fire as I ran towards the guy with silent feet and my team prone behind me. The guy was blindsided by my knife and I plunged it into the back of his neck and up into his brain, he was dead but I twisted the knife clockwise in hatred. I pulled it out and wiped it off on his uniform.”
“Was this the first time you killed someone?” Iris asked kind of disturbed and grossed out.
“No, I lost count after my twentieth.” He said pridefully. “My first was on my first assignment a couple weeks after boot camp. It was a head shot with my M16 and I felt horrible as I slowly pulled the trigger. My conscious was screaming 'No! Don't do it!' but then I thought of Julia and I thought that if I killed enough and not be killed myself I'd earn the prize of my life—Julia.”
“We're you desensitized after killing so much? Did it come easier after two years?” Iris asked.
“Well, when you first watch the news and hear about a boy who shoots up his school and then commits suicide after killing ten or so people. It makes you tear up and you wonder how this could happen and you want to make things right but you can't, its already done and you feel helpless and depressed. But then you hear it happen again and by the fiftieth time it doesn't bother you as much, then by the hundredth time you are cold as ice.”
“True, I know I'm guilty as charged. We all are. I remember when Rwanda was overlooked and no action was done because rarely anyone actually did anything aside from seeing what was on television then going back to their steak and mash potatoes.” Iris said with a very concerned tone this time, a righteous anger is there.
“Yeah, unfortunately. And I am guilty as charged killing a large number of fathers and sons.” Jakob's head lowered as he sat in the leather chair.
“But it was your job and you wanted to protect your Country from another 9/11 event and I don't think that is wrong.” She said this as she wrote some more on the paper in front of her on that enormous oak desk that she rested her arms on.
Iris had a intelligence about her that sparked with every stroke of the pen and it had revealed to Jake in the light of passion that shined through her eyes. She was a petite, small lady who wore stilettos around and wasn't at all the least bit ungraceful. She was about early 40s, he guessed, and seemed beyond her years. Pweew! She sneezed a mousy sneeze that was quiet and she did the arm movement that made it look like she was going to turn into a werewolf to land the spray into the crease of her elbow.
“She was going to get this figured out.” Jake thought to himself. If she couldn't no one could, she was the best detective for this case, best doctor for this surgery.
Iris peered her head up with her glasses perched on the end of her nose and glanced at her Rolex watch again and said: “Alright, Mr. Stevens its been a pleasure but I really must let you go. I have another appointment in five minutes and I will see you next week at the same time, okay?”
“Yeah, sounds good.”
“In the meantime, keep a journal and keep your memories fresh because I want to hear the rest of your story. Also, try stay away from violent images and movies as well as sleeping in another room in the house so you don't have anything happen again. Call me if you need some help over the phone, I'll be cracking the case.” She smiled a sincere smile as she opened the door for Jake on his way out.
“Will do.” Jakob said smiling back (and kind of laughing on the inside about the cracking the case bit) as he exited her office.
A black man walked in with some army pants on and a missing ear on the right side and Iris welcomed him in. Jake departed out to the parking lot through the automatic doors past the waiting room. He had to drive an hour and costs him an arm and a leg to meet Iris but he would travel to the ends of the Earth for an answer to “how to become a civilian again?” He opens the door to his 1997 Black Dodge Ram 2500 with a six inch lift and huge swamper tires, this was he dream ride ever since he was nineteen and after he got married to Julia, he got rid his crappy beat up 1988 Maroon Ford Ranger and upgraded. Oh, how he remembers turning the key for the first time it fired up like in his dreams and that v-8 engine roared like a king lion would to fend off predators from the herd which brought a huge grin across his eager face. It was a beast and he still gets jittery from turning the ignition key and sitting high in his truck as if it were a throne and the road was his kingdom.
He put it in reverse and backed up as a lady in a little green Geo Metro looked up at his monster truck waiting for his spot. Jake's Navy SEALs bumper sticker shined in the light off the truck as he pulled away and his spot was claimed. He turned on his blinker left and popped in a Metallica, Master of Puppets album, the guitars wailed and hummed as Jakob popped a cigar into his mouth and lit it up with his Navy SEAL's zippo and let a half smile peer as the cigar butt lit up with a breath. The smoke was blowing in the wind as he passed cars one by one, he felt good for finally getting some of the stuff he did out and actually telling someone. But Julia's face haunted him still, like trees passing by on his far sides, they were the trees that look like they could grab you and eat you.
=~=
Julia's head still ached but most of all her feelings were hurt and she went to seek help but instead of going to a counselor she went to the next best thing, her friends. She planned a morning where she would explain how she felt over Starbuck's coffee to a few of her closest friends that she had kept close through college. There was Karen, Mari, and Tina they were her vents, her ears, her shoulders when she felt like giving into her fears and emotions. Julia wore a beanie to hide her secret and only share with people who were close, she had learned from her own past mistakes. Although a picture is worth a thousand words Julia's face told more than one hundred thousand, but she tried in vain to keep it all together and the slipping showed through the windshield of her eyes and the depressed bags under her eye lids that drooped on her beautiful face. She didn't need to wear makeup, she was a angel that made makeup look out of style because her skin was already as vibrant without it. She made all the woman who saw her envy but at this point in life she felt like she would trade it all to be any of them.
All through high school and college she was the girl of girls, the one the boys would walk around campus doing a handstand all day for. She had bleach blonde hair and eyes that were icy blue, she was like the Hollywood Jessicas all combined, Biel, Alba, and Simpson. She would often get whistles from guys but she ignored their gestures without it even phasing her, she was loyal to Jake like he was loyal to her for the three years they have been married and before that. So when Julia said she was going to leave it broke a string inside and now she regretted she got so angry the more she thought about it.
“He wasn't all there, it was almost like he sleep walked but his eyes were open and he was awake.” Julia thought as she sat in the cold seat next to the window with three friends facing her with coffee in their hands like Eskimos around a campfire, it was cold outside but Julia hadn't noticed because her heart was in a cold mood and they coped.
“Hello Julia.” Karen, Mari and Tina echoed as they took turns giving her a hug that she desperately needed.
“Hi you guys.” And she received them with open arms and squeezed like a lifeline rope.
“So why did you call us here Jewels?” Tina asked smiling.
“Are you okay?” Karen added like a mother after a kid scrapped their leg and comes to them for comfort.
“No, no I'm not. My husband, Jakob hit me with my hair dryer.” Julia exclaimed with sadness filling her words. She took off the beanie for proof revealing a noticeable scab but trying to hide it from anyone other than her friends with her left hand.
“Oh my gosh!” Mari replied. “Are you serious?”
“Yeah, he could have killed me too if it got wet in the shower. It was plugged into the wall, like I left it. It was almost like he was sleep walking but his eyes were awake and then I slapped him to have him wake up and to defend myself. ”
“What happened?” Karen asked concerned for Julia.
“He then woke up or something. It snapped him out of it and he said he was in Iraq and there were a bunch of them. I don't fully understand it.”
“I think he has lost it!” Mari said and Karen nodded with her.
“I don't think so. Because if he did lose it he would've kept going after her, its kinda like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde thing going on in his brain.” Tina observed.
“But this is real! And real things like this require real action!” Karen snapped at Tina.
“You know Jakob more than any of us Jewels. Why do you think he would do that? You think the Navy SEALs messed something upstairs?”
“Maybe, I mean, he tossed and turned all night kicking his feet and sweating a lot. I don't see any other reason why he'd go off the deep end and do that. I honestly don't believe he'd do anything to hurt me, but if he thought he was in Iraq he would kill anyone who wasn't a brother.”
“Anyone who wasn't on his side?” Tina asked in curiosity.
“Yeah which means I could have been viewed as a terrorist in his eyes and he just was delusional from being back in the real world for the first day.” Julia thought out loud.
“He could have. Or maybe he was just making it up.” Karen said cynically.
“Karen! Why would he do that? Just randomly the day when he gets back? Julia did he show any signs of being violent or mean towards you in any way since he's been back besides the incident last week?” Tina said angrily.
“No. He has always been nice towards me and the day he came back and I returned from teaching around 4:00pm he decorated the porch of our house with a ton of my favorite flowers. He's always been tender towards me, never violent until that night.”
“See! Told youuuu!” Tina said proudly.
“Gals, its not 'bout provin' each other wrong and makin' ourselves look betta its about Jewels right now. We gotta give 'er some encouragemen' and lift 'er up.”
Thursday, September 9, 2010
On My Own
Blood running cold but I feel so warm,
Eyes so tired but I can't sleep,
Heart unmoved, spirit unbound,
Shoulders carry mountains yet it feels like air,
I hesitate to blink because you are lying right there,
I'm found, not lost flailing in the darkness,
Instead a chapter has started and I'm so alive.
My mind is thinking so clear, my ears don't hear my fear
I'm standing like a boulder on the shore, so determined,
My mind and heart have made up themselves and I'm not backing down.
People point and laugh but their just taunting a lion, this cage won't hold me,
Tonight my demons are drowning in the lake, tonight I'm on my own,
But I'm in the zone.
This ends tonight.
I've got friends and I've got enemies,
And then I got you.
But you support me more than most,
You welcome me with kisses and hugs,
Your vivid eyes capture my heart every time,
And now I fight for love, and I'm not on my own.
We are on the battlefield together but we both feel the need,
We both need this like the air in our lungs.
So we are taking a leap of faith despite what lies in the wake of life,
But I don't have to face it alone, your hands are holding mine and the weight is lifted.
Eyes so tired but I can't sleep,
Heart unmoved, spirit unbound,
Shoulders carry mountains yet it feels like air,
I hesitate to blink because you are lying right there,
I'm found, not lost flailing in the darkness,
Instead a chapter has started and I'm so alive.
My mind is thinking so clear, my ears don't hear my fear
I'm standing like a boulder on the shore, so determined,
My mind and heart have made up themselves and I'm not backing down.
People point and laugh but their just taunting a lion, this cage won't hold me,
Tonight my demons are drowning in the lake, tonight I'm on my own,
But I'm in the zone.
This ends tonight.
I've got friends and I've got enemies,
And then I got you.
But you support me more than most,
You welcome me with kisses and hugs,
Your vivid eyes capture my heart every time,
And now I fight for love, and I'm not on my own.
We are on the battlefield together but we both feel the need,
We both need this like the air in our lungs.
So we are taking a leap of faith despite what lies in the wake of life,
But I don't have to face it alone, your hands are holding mine and the weight is lifted.
What is This?
Emotions bubble in my throat like an active volcano,
Oceans-full rumble against my heart like a moat,
I had a fence there but now it’s apart.
Suspense building like something Stephen King wrote.
I’m on the edge of my seat, about to fall like wet soap is under my feet.
Slipping, tripping, fumbling, and stumbling.
What is this? It’s not wet soap…
Imagery and reality sometimes don’t cope,
But you can’t see it, senses can’t comprehend it.
Science fails to observe it.
What is this?
This thing I can’t resist and seems to have me at the wrists,
But I can’t or won’t dare to struggle,
Because I’m stoned with it like a drug—le,
And I’m looking it up on google,
What is this?
Hitting me like a heavyweight boxer,
Yet feeling like a fire, a cup of cocoa, and a blanket on a freezing winter day.
A, intoxicating but exuberating and exhilarating smell,
Like a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies, its one we all know.
Yet we almost nothing about it…
Like a reunited best friend,
You want to ask where they have been, all these years,
But you know that the awkwardness overrides, and adds fears.
But it’s also there invading my atmosphere,
It’s only been a day, yet it is having its way, My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”,
What is this?
It’s what I feel and what I breathe, it’s what I taste as well as smell, and I do see it.
It’s everywhere I turn, and it burns deep in my chest.
It’s you, I can’t resist.
What is it?
On the tip of my tongue and in the front of my mind,
But the words become hard to find,
And I could write pages and pages,
For these feelings can’t be summed up in quick phases,
And my heart continues and blazes,
And my mind is stuck in hazes,
Logic is running in a plethora of mazes,
My path has been traveled for days by what used to be a stranger,
But I feel so far from danger in the midst of her eyes gazing,
Yet why is my mind screaming?
Furthermore, Why isn’t it making a sound?
Heart door open wide like a book ready to be found and read,
How could this happen? It’s so profound…
What is this?
Oceans-full rumble against my heart like a moat,
I had a fence there but now it’s apart.
Suspense building like something Stephen King wrote.
I’m on the edge of my seat, about to fall like wet soap is under my feet.
Slipping, tripping, fumbling, and stumbling.
What is this? It’s not wet soap…
Imagery and reality sometimes don’t cope,
But you can’t see it, senses can’t comprehend it.
Science fails to observe it.
What is this?
This thing I can’t resist and seems to have me at the wrists,
But I can’t or won’t dare to struggle,
Because I’m stoned with it like a drug—le,
And I’m looking it up on google,
What is this?
Hitting me like a heavyweight boxer,
Yet feeling like a fire, a cup of cocoa, and a blanket on a freezing winter day.
A, intoxicating but exuberating and exhilarating smell,
Like a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies, its one we all know.
Yet we almost nothing about it…
Like a reunited best friend,
You want to ask where they have been, all these years,
But you know that the awkwardness overrides, and adds fears.
But it’s also there invading my atmosphere,
It’s only been a day, yet it is having its way, My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”,
What is this?
It’s what I feel and what I breathe, it’s what I taste as well as smell, and I do see it.
It’s everywhere I turn, and it burns deep in my chest.
It’s you, I can’t resist.
What is it?
On the tip of my tongue and in the front of my mind,
But the words become hard to find,
And I could write pages and pages,
For these feelings can’t be summed up in quick phases,
And my heart continues and blazes,
And my mind is stuck in hazes,
Logic is running in a plethora of mazes,
My path has been traveled for days by what used to be a stranger,
But I feel so far from danger in the midst of her eyes gazing,
Yet why is my mind screaming?
Furthermore, Why isn’t it making a sound?
Heart door open wide like a book ready to be found and read,
How could this happen? It’s so profound…
What is this?
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